It has been a few weeks since I wrote any kind of update so I will take some time out of my busy day (10:47pm) to write a little blurb about my boring life. Nothing really much has happened the past few weeks, since one of the teachers at my school had to go home due to an emergency it has been really busy at my job. We also started going to this high school in town to teach english. We are not employees of the high school, our boss has just whored us out to them for what we are all guessing is an astronomical amount of money that we will never see any of. I would call the people we teach “high school” students but half of them would probably not pass a junior high entrance exam. Things that have been asked to me by students thus far “do you like sex?” which in shitty high school english is “you sex?” “are you a hippopotamus?” or again in high school english “you hippopotamus?” and “i like girls” or “me, girls, yes!”. I think our boss had no clue what she was getting into when she agreed to send us to the school. At first she told us to “just make the lessons fun, play games like telephone” We all (the teachers) told her that contrary to what she may think 17 year old rugby players do not like to play telephone. What they do like to do is slouch in their desks with their arms crossed and stare at you in silence and randomly say something quickly in japanese which causes everyone in class to laugh. The other teacher I go to the school with said after the first lesson he taught (our boss was in the room) that our boss had a look of fear on her face, shocked at the stupidity of these students. For all the downfalls of american high schools, at least where I went the students were quiet. Maybe we didn't learn much, maybe we didn't pay attention but at least we weren't assholes. I wish I could say this much for the the students of Chuho high school.

Other than going to the high school I don`t hate any part of my job. It is easy, there is virtually no preparation involved, the students are nice and my co-workers are awesome. The city I have moved also is nice. I like the fact that I can ride my bike anywhere I need to go, part of the city look like a total dump but parts of it are really beautiful. The people have been friendly, but the nightlife is not as lively as a single 27 year old Chicago boy would like. My co-workers are really nice, awesome people though. Australians might be my favorite kind of people that I have met while traveling. When i traveled Europe I met this couple from new Zealand (which yes i know is not australia) who were amazing people and the guy I traveled with and I met a guy from Tasmania who was hilarious and awesome (despite smuggling hash across international lines without telling the guy I was traveling with or me). Almost all my co-workers are Australian and have all been amazingly nice to me. Two of them are a couple and are leaving in september and I want to move into their apartment so badly. It is so, so, so nice, they are also selling their playstation 3 and about 10 games for 500 bucks so I will prob end up buying it when they go. I played it for the first time at their place yesterday. they had a BBQ and after the three of us played it for a bit and the graphics are so insane. The best game we played was some tennis game. They spanked me in it but it was still pretty awesome.

I have been going out almost every saturday night until around 3 or 4 am with my co-worker and some of his friends. As I wrote previously I am horrible at small talk and last weekend when I was waiting for my friend to arrive I was chatting to some Japanese guy at the bar, who at first slightly creeped me out by saying “i like big butts” in english, but ended up being a pretty good guy. He was putting in so much effort talking to me. We were both in the bar by ourselves, he was waiting for his girlfriend and I am just a loser. So we were chatting and I was trying to think of things to talk about and I realized that maybe my lack of conversational skills could stem from the reality that maybe I am just not that interesting of a person. A lot of other people who live in this town are so chatty with each other and i watch them with envy as I just think to myself how I wish I could be that friendly all the time but maybe it is just the fact that I don`t really have much to say. Who knows? not me.

Speaking of Ipod`s yesterday I got an ipod touch. I mostly blame Pat for convincing me to do this. I was planning to buy one in a few weeks when I get paid but I figured that I had the money so why not buy it now. It is pretty awesome, but I want to buy applications for it but I do not have a credit card and no stores near me sell itunes gift cards so someone reading this should buy me a gift card and send it to evanmallon@gmail.com. Thanks everyone.

One hilarious thing that the kids that I teach do while we play games is something that they would like to call “obama power” when they are playing a game, for example UNO, and they want a red card they will say “red red OBAMA!” and turn over the card and if it is not red they say “aww obama didn't help me” and if it is red they say “OBAMA!!!!” it is pretty hilarious. And the group of kids that do that every week did another thing that was pretty hilarious. They hid from me when I walked into the room and then they all jumped out and yelled JACK BAUER! in really deep voices. It was awesome.

Anyway it is really late and I am getting tired and gotta work tomorrow.

Porno anyone?

Since I have come to Japan my life has blurred the lines of reality and really fucked up situation / people don`t believe me when I tell them things that have happened to me. When I started working at an all women's college my life became a border line low rent porno plot. But now I has broken through that glass celling to full blown, award winning porno plot. Tomorrow.......I start......teaching.....a class of.....71......20 year old....Japanese.......nursing students. That is right people..... I have entered the world of full blown porno. But this is not only a mile stone of my life becoming totally fucked up but I can also add this to the list of stuff that I have been paid to do in Japan that I am vastly under qualified for. I have been a college teacher, a kindergarten teacher and soon to be a teacher of nurses. In America to work with children you have to be checked out by the police, have special training, a degree (I am assuming) in childhood education. But in Japan it is just like “you speak English? Great! go into this room with 5 nine year old children and we will leave you alone with them and trust you unconditionally not to do anything wrong.” It is really fucked up and quite frightening. But as to how I got this job teaching nurses I do not know. How I continue to con people into thinking that I am qualified to do this or any of the above mentioned activities I am still unsure, but I have. Maybe I am just an extremely accomplished liar because I am not as smart as people think that I am. So teaching this class of 71 people will be quite interesting. I can`t believe that in high school I was too nervous to give speeches in front of my class and now I am walking in front of 71 Japanese girls and spewing shit off the top of my head and being paid to do it. I feel bad for the students of this class because they are not going to learn anything.
My life here in Kochi thus far has been interesting but I am not totally sure if moving out here was a good move or bad move. At first everything was great but now that it is slowly becoming my day to day reality the magnificence has slightly worn off and I have begun to view my new home as what it is: a small, sea side town, where everyone knows everyone. I feel like this would be a perfect place for a person with a personality opposite to mine. Someone who is outgoing and over the top friendly. I am neither of these things as much as I would like to think I am / hope I could be. I do not regret moving here yet and I am really thankful for having a full time, easy job in this withering economy but my life here would be so much nicer if i could just meet one person who has a personality similar to mine. I have been hanging out mostly with Australian surfers. They are, don`t get me wrong, hands down some of the nicest people I have ever met in my life and will keep inviting me out for drinking, to parties or to their houses to play cards for as long as I live here but as nice as they are I still miss what i refer to as “my real friends” back in Chicago. In Japan most of my friends, with a few exceptions, have really just been friends of connivence. By that I mean we are thrust in the same situation as each other and have formed a bond based only on that one shared experience. This leads to lots of complaining to each other about Japan and thats really about it. I miss the kind of friend who has known me for going on 10 years and knows so much about me that they would see something in a shop or on tv and think that I would like it. I miss the kind of friend who knows so much about me that small talk is not even an option. But my life here in Japan is easy and I get to study and speak Japanese so for the time being I am not going to give up on it. And since I have only been in my new town for two weeks and there are so many people I havn`t met yet that this place could became as much as my home as Kyoto became.

I have no idea why but it is really difficult for me to talk to people that I am not interested in. I am probably the worst person in the whole world at making small talk. Last night I went to a bar with some co-workers and their friends and being the new guy here I didn`t know very many people. I started talking to some guy and he started telling me about how he plays congo drums and guitar and bass. I was only saying things like "oh cool" and nothing else but this guy would just not stop talking. He then told me that he has a "funky, bluesy, folky rock band." and that "his best song is called "Uncle Sam Don`t Sweat" and that "it is a funky number, because I like to get funky". Now, some people might be able to fake interest in a conversation like that but I just cannot do it. When someone says "my best song is" and then that song has Uncle Sam in the title, you know 100 percent it cannot be good. I think that my inability to sustain conversations like this for a long time makes me look like an asshole and because I am new I want to continue these conversations but I just cannot think of anything to say. The guy also told me things like "my claim to fame is that I can speak Japanese better than anyone else" and "I used to get in fights a lot when i was young but now i can channel my energy into other things like funk and surfing" Who says these things?
I think that the reason I am not very good at this is that when I was in high school I and early college years I never really went to any parties. And if I did go they were parties where i knew everyone and saw everyone every weekend and we were all close. So i was never really put in situations where I had to sustain conversations with strangers for a long time. And my friends and I from high school were so close that I never really had that many friends that were only acquaintances and each time i saw them we had to make small talk. Therefore i am horrible at it.
I guess I have been spoiled with great / close friendships in my life and that I have realized that friendships like that are not easily found. Does anyone know if there is a "how to make small talk and not look like a total asshole" book out there? if so, let me know.

good bye old apartment









Pictures from my last week in Kyoto. Sad times.

Oh Winnie Cooper, How much has changed.

My new home. On the way to the supermarket.

Last night a group of students taught me how to cook fish because I am tired of eating the same shit day in and day out. So today during one of my breaks I rode my bike to the supermarket and got two huge pieces of yellow tail and two huge tuna steaks for a total of about 9 dollars and cooked them they way the students told me to and let me tell you I AM FUCKING AWESOME AT COOKING. And by that I mean I can now cook rice, pasta, sandwiches (boring ones), grilled cheese and now yellow tail and tuna steaks. At this rate my restaurant will open any time now. Other than the learning of the fact that I am an amazing chef nothing really happened today. The highlight of my working day was teaching a guy who had hair like weird al and was wearing a pink tie and he loved jazz and kept hitting his chest when he would get excited about a jazz musician. He told me that he has 1000 records and about 700 cds but lives alone in a one bed room apartment about the size of an american bathroom. He is also 48 years old and going on a 2 week vacation alone to Ireland. Oh, does anyone know what a doggie bag is called in Ireland? I didnt know and just told him it is called a doggie bag. I hope that doesnt get him killed or something.

Robert Downey Jr.

Today was my first real full day working at my new job. It wasnt so bad. It was actually quite easy but the way the schedule is set up is kinda shitty. I had a class at 1045 (which was amazing and will write about shortly) then my next class was at one, so i went home until one then worked until 5 and then had 3 hours off and taught one more class at 8. So i really only taught about 5 classes but it was spread out for the whole day which is kinda lame. But I still had some study time and I live so close to my work that i was able to come home and lay down for two hours when I had a break.
My first class was this woman who booked a private lesson, which means it is just me and her so she pays extra money and today was her first lesson. So I walked into the room and this conversation happened.

Me: Hello! My name is Evan
Student : I love Robert Downey Jr. (spoken is slow, broken english)
Me: Oh.....
Student: (from here on out she only spoke to me in Japanese, so this is a rough translation.) I am a single mother and I have two children, I want you to write a letter for me to robert downey Jr. )
Me: Uh...okay, we can write one together. (then i walked up to the board and wrote "dear Robert" on it)
Student : no no no. (she handed me her cell phone which was open to a Robert Downey Jr Fan site). Here, he will be able to read it if you send it here. I dont want to write it with you, I will tell you what I want to say and then you type it for me.
Me: (I look at the fan site and it says that this site is not affiliated with RBJ in anyway and that if you send a mail to the site it will not be directed to RBJ. So i tell her this)
Student ; I want to say I have loved you for a long time and I will love you for a long time and that I am a single mother and I want him to take care of us.
Me: Uhhhhhh
Student: You cant do it?
me : I can write the letter for you but he probably wont read it.
student : oh.....

Then she just got up, walked out of the room and quit the school. When she explained why she was quiting the school my boss looked very, very confused and told her that we do not offer creepy robert downey jr fan letter translations at my job. Other than that student the day was pretty normal. I am so tired right now though. My job is to basically talk and not do much else but it is so tiring pretending to be interested in what everyone is saying and trying to make out exactly what they want to say. Woe is me.